a boy and his computer
IM hijinks

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Back when Matt and I worked together, we talked a lot of shit on IM. We started doing this when we were both working for the same company and needed to complain about and ridicule the management or the other employees behind their backs, and it grew out of that. It got to the point where we would IM each other, even though we were sitting right next to each other--that way you don't have to take off your headphones.

Over time these chats developed into a fairly stylized art form, with vague rules and, as Matt put it, a certain je ne sais quoi that gave them coherence. I had logs of it going back a couple of years of all the shit we talked, so I snipped out some of the funniest bits and put them here.

Caution: some of this stuff is really offensive. I mean really, profoundly vulgar and bad. If words like "shit" and "fuck" and "felching homo" upset you, you should avoid reading any of these entries. I hesitated a little bit to put this page up, because I'm actually a pretty nice guy, and Matt is a really nice guy, one of the most decent people I've ever met, but sometimes when guys get together, they behave badly.

You were warned.

1/21/2008   Gaydar   (1 comment)
10/26/2007   Freshness   (No comments)
9/18/2007   GD vs. ImageMagick   (No comments)
8/31/2007   The dawning of a new age, with cake and punch   (3 comments)
4/19/2007   Ur-Jokes   (7 comments)
4/18/2007   Wait 'til you see how the seal plays the horns   (1 comment)
4/16/2007   Pie Chart   (5 comments)
4/13/2007   It's A Living!   (4 comments)
3/19/2007   Web 2.0   (1 comment)
3/19/2007   I never thought of that   (4 comments)
3/12/2007   Good vs. Evil   (3 comments)
2/13/2007   Homo erectus   (3 comments)
8/25/2006   Your Mom   (1 comment)
8/15/2006   Mister Gay Show episode is new!   (7 comments)
8/9/2006   AFK   (No comments)
7/25/2006   The price of fame   (No comments)
7/25/2006   Affection   (No comments)
6/26/2006   Frailty, thy name is Emo   (4 comments)
6/22/2006   Contact   (No comments)
6/2/2006   Lackospinaloma   (4 comments)
5/30/2006   Mutant power   (5 comments)
5/26/2006   Nemesis   (6 comments)
5/12/2006   Office supplies   (No comments)
5/10/2006   I have nothing bad to say about you today   (No comments)
5/8/2006   Reconciling general relativity and... thingy   (No comments)
5/3/2006   Compound insults   (3 comments)
5/3/2006   Sure thing, science!   (No comments)
3/31/2006   Monster cock   (5 comments)
3/30/2006   Funny/silly thingies   (No comments)
3/29/2006   Blog-American   (No comments)
3/21/2006   Sucking discontinued   (No comments)
3/15/2006   Internet friends   (1 comment)
3/13/2006   Advances in jerking technology   (No comments)
2/13/2006   Cheney   (2 comments)
2/9/2006   Shit humor   (No comments)
2/3/2006   More Panda Sex   (4 comments)
8/29/2005   Wasps   (3 comments)
3/21/2005   Pulling humor from Uranus   (15 comments)
3/1/2005   Almost funny   (1 comment)
2/1/2005   Lunch and I have a complicated relationship   (7 comments)
12/7/2004   Nuts in the fountain   (5 comments)
11/24/2004   Instant Half Life   (7 comments)
7/1/2004   REAL coders   (10 comments)
6/30/2004   Surprise   (3 comments)
6/30/2004   starwars()   (1 comment)
6/28/2004   The Second Coming (or, There And Back Again)   (10 comments)
6/24/2004   Fagapalooza   (1 comment)
6/19/2004   Undecided   (15 comments)
6/10/2004   The Magic of the Internet!   (4 comments)
6/10/2004   Donations   (4 comments)
5/20/2004   Love In The Ruins   (4 comments)
5/17/2004   Lost Hijink: Internet Monitoring   (1 comment)
4/30/2004   The Ghost of Hitler, plus SMS slang   (4 comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Most Beautiful Woman   (No comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Classic Eucharist   (No comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Surrealism.com   (No comments)
4/22/2004   Lost Hijink: Amish Blogging   (2 comments)
4/21/2004   Stealth communion   (2 comments)
4/7/2004   Lost Hijink: [ OK ] [ Cancel ]   (No comments)
3/31/2004   Kill! Maim! Destroy!   (3 comments)
3/31/2004   Lost Hijink: Web Religion   (No comments)
3/31/2004   Lost Hijink: Ass Milkshake   (No comments)
3/29/2004   Baptism of the Dead   (24 comments)
3/29/2004   Lost Hijink: Boredom   (No comments)
3/25/2004   Lost Hijink: ABAHC Platinum, Methodist Trademarks   (No comments)
3/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Job Satisfaction   (No comments)
3/22/2004   Lost Hijink: Outclassed   (No comments)
3/19/2004   Loving you   (4 comments)
3/15/2004   Lost Hijink: Polling   (No comments)
3/15/2004   Lost Hijink: Family Economy   (No comments)
3/12/2004   Lost Hijink: Oh yeah, I really hope you like this one   (No comments)
3/9/2004   Live Bat   (3 comments)
3/5/2004   Worms and iTunes   (1 comment)
3/3/2004   Business Plan 2.0   (3 comments)
3/3/2004   Lost Hijink: Lifestyles   (No comments)
3/3/2004   Lost Hijink: Genius   (No comments)
2/19/2004   This too, too sullied flesh   (2 comments)
2/17/2004   Lost Hijink: Verbing   (No comments)
2/16/2004   Lost Hijink: Scheduling   (No comments)
2/13/2004   Lost Hijink: Quorum   (No comments)
2/13/2004   "Database" technology   (No comments)
2/13/2004   PWN3D   (No comments)
2/5/2004   Lost Hijink: Cuisine   (No comments)
1/30/2004   Suckiest   (1 comment)
1/12/2004   Scary   (5 comments)
12/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Surnames   (No comments)
12/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Pepperidge Fahm Remembahs   (No comments)
12/12/2003   Lost Hijink: New Flavors   (2 comments)
12/12/2003   Lost Hijink: Deficit Sucking   (1 comment)
12/10/2003   Stupid caring   (3 comments)
12/5/2003   Jingle Balls   (9 comments)
12/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Action News   (No comments)
11/21/2003   A Very Special Episode   (5 comments)
11/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Nucular Cock-blocking   (No comments)
11/10/2003   Bandwidth   (9 comments)
10/21/2003   ?   (4 comments)
10/20/2003   Lost Hijink: Caffeination   (No comments)
10/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Exit Line   (No comments)
10/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Love   (No comments)
10/13/2003   Lost Hijink: Wall-mounted   (1 comment)
10/10/2003   Volcanoes and poop   (No comments)
10/9/2003   Ass-kicking   (1 comment)
10/9/2003   Lost Hijink: Childhood Trauma   (1 comment)
9/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Expectations   (No comments)
9/23/2003   Interview   (1 comment)
9/22/2003   Lost Hijink: P2P   (No comments)
9/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Countdown   (No comments)
9/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Racist   (No comments)
9/4/2003   Lost Hijink: Boy Butter   (No comments)
9/4/2003   Lost Hijink: Ignorance truly is bliss   (No comments)
8/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Ontology   (No comments)
8/28/2003   Lost Hijink: Rorschach Test   (No comments)
8/28/2003   Lost Hijink: The Final Piece of the Puzzle   (No comments)
8/20/2003   Lost Hijink: Cheese!   (No comments)
8/18/2003   Lost Hijink: Channels of Communication   (No comments)
8/11/2003   Lost Hijink: Job Search   (No comments)
8/8/2003   Lost Hijink: Gigli   (No comments)
8/8/2003   Exodus International   (1 comment)
8/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Wifebot   (No comments)
7/29/2003   Service   (No comments)
7/28/2003   Theology   (No comments)
7/24/2003   Seamus O'Homo   (No comments)
7/21/2003   Lost Hijink: More Happy Mister Gay!   (No comments)
7/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Wet, Soggy Ass   (No comments)
7/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Faux Lesbian Holocaust   (No comments)
7/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Book Sales   (No comments)
7/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Confidential   (No comments)
7/8/2003   Happy fun gay time!   (5 comments)
7/7/2003   Processes   (No comments)
6/23/2003   Lost Hijink: Harry Potter Pre-order   (No comments)
6/12/2003   Suck()   (9 comments)
6/11/2003   Expense report   (No comments)
6/9/2003   Lost Hijink: Grant Proposal   (No comments)
6/6/2003   Lost Hijink: I Know You   (No comments)
6/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Must Be One Of Hannibal's Schemes   (No comments)
6/3/2003   Business plan   (No comments)
5/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Prose Style   (No comments)
5/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Idea Man   (No comments)
5/28/2003   Mistaken identity   (1 comment)
5/21/2003   Breakfast taco proclamation   (2 comments)
5/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Nigerian Scam E-Mail   (No comments)
5/19/2003   Philip K. Dick (heh... he said "dick")   (1 comment)
5/19/2003   Enlargement   (3 comments)
5/15/2003   Fecal matters of great import   (No comments)
5/14/2003   Lost Hijink: Clarification   (1 comment)
5/13/2003   Scalar   (No comments)
5/13/2003   Texas Labor Code §402.083   (No comments)
5/12/2003   Bonding   (3 comments)
5/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Gay Fag Homo   (No comments)
4/29/2003   Lost Hijink: I'm Back!   (No comments)
4/24/2003   Lost Hijink: Mistaken Identity   (No comments)
4/18/2003   Lost Hijink: New Dad   (No comments)
3/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Thin Line Between Love And Hate   (No comments)
3/18/2003   Lost Hijink: All Homosexuals Should Own Guns   (No comments)
3/14/2003   Performance Art   (4 comments)
3/13/2003   Lost Hijink: ANSI Standard Homo   (No comments)
3/12/2003   Lost Hijink: Portuguese Thought For The Day   (No comments)
3/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Bearer of Bad News   (No comments)
10/17/2002   Metrics   (1 comment)
9/23/2002   Gentle persuasion   (3 comments)
9/16/2002   Intelligent design   (No comments)
9/12/2002   Sea dogs   (No comments)
9/10/2002   Dork Night   (5 comments)
9/10/2002   Help Desk   (1 comment)
9/9/2002   Gravitational pull   (No comments)
9/5/2002   Sucking   (5 comments)
8/22/2002   Saccharin   (5 comments)
8/19/2002   Ass-Strips™   (3 comments)
7/31/2002   Foo Fighters   (No comments)
7/30/2002   I'm suing you   (5 comments)
7/24/2002   FellatioMan and Suck-Lad   (1 comment)
7/23/2002   In Elizabethan times   (2 comments)
7/18/2002   Urban slang   (No comments)
7/16/2002   Enforced Profitability   (5 comments)
7/15/2002   Communicating with cheese   (1 comment)
7/10/2002   Fans overseas   (No comments)
7/3/2002   DOES NOT COMPUTE   (No comments)
7/3/2002   Market value   (No comments)
6/28/2002   Intimacy   (1 comment)
6/28/2002   What should I blog about today?   (1 comment)
6/20/2002   19" monitor   (No comments)
6/19/2002   The whichness of what   (14 comments)
6/17/2002   Back from Planet Hooston   (No comments)
6/17/2002   Make-A-Blackmail-Photo kit   (1 comment)
6/6/2002   Mysterious donkey   (No comments)
6/4/2002   Interactive entertainment   (1 comment)
6/4/2002   Networking   (No comments)
4/18/2002   Making friends   (2 comments)
4/2/2002   The gentle bonds of friendship between men   (7 comments)
3/27/2002   Kinky stuff   (3 comments)
3/15/2002   Killing processes   (No comments)
1/24/2002   Animal lovers   (3 comments)
12/20/2001   Friendship is rare   (4 comments)

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trivia fact #229
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
copyright/legal
All content on this website is copyright © 1996-2008 by Ryland Sanders, unless otherwise specified; some material that is excerpted or quoted is copyright of its respective owners. Logo and icon illustrations by Will Guy, a.k.a. Goopymart, who is made out of awesome.
links mini-blog
Sometimes You Have To Wonder About These Folks
OPP notices Mark Levin, vicious attack poodle of the Right going all anti-semitic on John Stewart of the Daily show. The Irony? Levin is Jewish too. Go figure.
Running for Office: It's Like A Flamewar with a Forum Troll, but with an Eventual Winner
Sean Tevis is a progressive Democrat and web geek living in Kansas. He's had enough of his anti-gay, pro-life, pro-censorship, pro-wire-tapping state representative and has decided to run against him. You can help!
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
President George Bush: 'Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter'
"He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock." I wish this was an Onion link, but sadly, it isn't.
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
A little knowledge can go a long way
VERY NSFW, but pretty funny just the same. A commercial for an English language school.
Just a Little Bit of Fraud
State Lotteries are crooked. Who knew?
Get Drunk And Vote 4 McCain
Voting for McCain, but still don't feel like he's conservative enough? Have a drink to ease the pain. This may be the funniest (or at least, the most *intentionally* funny) conservative blog I've ever seen; they post news stories and tidbits and rate them by how many cocktails it takes to ease the pain of John McCain's incipient Alzheimer's, maladroitness, and closet liberalism.
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
McDonald's Ad: "I'm Lovin' It When China Wins"
Reason no. 6 564 437 why I'll never step into a McDonalds. Not even if I were starving and they paid me to eat BACON! while getting a fantastic fellatio of fish from a stacked blonde. This doesn't particularly piss me off, because I expect corporations to act like pigs since their only allegiance is to themselves. Hasn't failed me yet...
Write In Bush 2008
"The important thing to understand about so-called 'term limits' is that they are man's law, not God's Law. The God who parted the Red Sea is surely not worried about so-called 'term limits'. When you vote your faith you let Almighty God take care of the details." I'm sure this is a parody site. Well, pretty sure.
Posted by Ryland :: 2 comments
The Persevering Perfidy of Patriotism: Puzzling?
WNBA Becky Harmon is being called a 'traitor' because she will play on the Russian team in the Olympics. Wilton D. Alston begs to differ.
Crazy Jesus Guy gives up on Jesus in disgust (NSFW for language)
Poor Leon has suffered for his beliefs, only to find that Jesus didn't return when He said He would. Now Leon has had enough. (NSFW for naughty language.)
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
Man wears patriotism on his sleeve and face
'Sam Bloomfield presses his hands together and casts his eyes skyward in thanks for his country. Under his left eye: "God Bless America." Under his right: "Land of the Free." Even larger across his forehead is "USA."' I think this one-ups Ryland's post...
New Fear & Loathing: *nd Of The World!
Another comic based on a REAL radio commercial.
Bringing Ireland to Baghdad
How the Resistance Will Eventually Kick the Americans Out
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
Atheists Discriminated Against in Child Custody Cases
"Imagine if Christians were commonly denied custody of their own children by judges who declared that attendance at Christian churches and maintaining a Christian education were contrary to the children's best interests. The outcry against such a violation of basic liberties would be incredible -- and the Christians would be right to be so upset."
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
New Fear & Loathing: Ska Sucks! F&L 100th Strip and Bovverworld Crossovar!
Inspired by my friend Rachel-Bassist for Dealin' With It(DWI) a hardcore band out of NYC. Adult content!
A Old Man in Rock and Roll Clothes
Photos from Punk Island and Meatlocker shows on 21st June 08
Seizure of belongings leaves new homeowners baffled, angry
An immigrant couple who recently closed on their first house in America came home from work to find that the mortgage company had seized all their property, including all their personal belongings, due to a bookkeeping snafu. Over 6 weeks later, their belongings haven't been returned and the mortgage company hasn't reimbursed the family for their loss.
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
Marriage Protection Amendment resolution introduced... by Larry Craig and David Vitter
You may remember Sen. Larry "Wide Stance" Craig (R-ID) and Sen. David "John" Vitter (R-LA) from their arrests for soliciting sex in an airport bathroom and being a patron of the DC Madam's prostitution ring respectively.
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
James Dobson Doesn't Speak For Me
Christians speaking out against fundamentalism and fear-mongering? This makes me hopeful.
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
If This Doesn't Prove Bush Is A Horse's Behind, Nothing Does.
Bush compliments the Filipino president for his White House chef. These are the first words that came out of his mouth - ignoring the typhoon and the sinking of the ferry that carried 800 people in the Philippines.
Posted by Mermaid :: 0 comments
latest user comments
Mermaid, 7/23/2008 12:12am:
Your posts are always pretty interesting to meAin't it the truth! Ryland, it seems to me that more ...
Ryland, 7/22/2008 10:15pm:
That's exactly what I thought when the movie was over: "Oh man, nobody is gonna want to play Joker ...
Valacosa, 7/22/2008 10:04pm:
You come across as a rational individual who has definite opinions, but has thought about them and can support ...
Valacosa, 7/22/2008 9:58pm:
I'm a bit tired at the moment (just worked a 12 hour shift), but here are a few things ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 7/22/2008 9:44pm:
Not to mention that sometimes I feel like I've said everything I have to say already. My posts lately ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 7/22/2008 9:39pm:
Leonard Pitts is one of my favourite columnists, because of his ability to think outside the box when neccesary, ...
Rick, 7/22/2008 9:29pm:
We (my wife and I) went with some friends to go see it and even my wife liked it. ...
Ryland, 7/22/2008 3:24pm:
I've been toying with the idea of having a submission queue, kind of like Fark, where anybody can submit ...
Dave, 7/22/2008 2:47pm:
What once were punchlines now are headlines. Great line. Great article. The cause of the worry was never the ...
redraven, 7/22/2008 1:23pm:
Hmmmm...I've always looked at it this way - either I'm interested enough to slog through a long post, or ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 7/21/2008 10:27pm:
Second Rate? HAW! HAW! HAW! I call yr Second Rate and raise you Third Rate and Lo-Rent! I ...
Ryland, 7/21/2008 9:47pm:
I hate to say it, but you come off as a pundit. And I don't? That's odd, because I'm ...
Ryland, 7/21/2008 9:44pm:
...but it strikes me as doing a crime to catch a possible criminal. Morally dubious at best. I'm not ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 7/21/2008 8:24pm:
A pundit, hmm...? This means I should either: (a) Kill myself...or... (b) Demand an exorbitant salary way out ...
Valacosa, 7/21/2008 12:00pm:
Air quality is going to be a function of pollution density. ...and I just looked up the ...
Valacosa, 7/21/2008 11:54am:
For the record: your negativity is not why I prefer Ryland's posts. I hate to say it, but you ...
Dave, 7/17/2008 10:48pm:
We're #1 !! We're #1 !! We're #1 !!
Ryland, 7/17/2008 9:03pm:
China has a larger population, but our emissions are higher. Pollution is bad in Beijing and other large ...
Crockodile, 7/17/2008 8:50pm:
Well, Andrew, I just looked it up on nationmaster.com, for what it's worth. If you're strictly talking about ...
Andrew, 7/17/2008 8:35pm:
While GWB may have 'claimed' America is the biggest polluter, the fact is that China is the biggest. Air ...
Ryland, 7/12/2008 12:09pm:
*grump* *wipes eyes* Aw jeez, kitty, it's 7 in the freakin' morning. I gave at the office, or ...
Mermaid, 7/12/2008 11:36am:
Sorry god. My bad.
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 7/12/2008 3:56am:
(image)
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 7/12/2008 3:38am:
And you know, I hadn't even thought of that-It's been awhile since I read The Hitchiker's Guide To The ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 7/12/2008 3:35am:
Hey, now, I was trying to make you look good :)
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